dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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