i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I didn't notice because vodka
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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