i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
this just has baby written all over it
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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