My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
