my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
