Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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