a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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