Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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