my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
