I CAN MOONWALK!
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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