The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
