seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
