The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
