I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
