I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
