Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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