I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
