there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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