I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Dear god my vagina.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
