I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
