I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
