I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
