hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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