i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
