My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
