I accidentally had phone sex last night
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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