So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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