Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
