My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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