There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
