remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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