New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
