honey bunches of taint.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
