i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
