I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
