i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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