The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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