She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
A+ Viking dick
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
