It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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