The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize