If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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