I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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