Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
