I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
