***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
