is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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