He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
