Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
