I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We need a shit load of segways right now
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
