I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
