Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
