one word: firstdatebathroomanal
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
