No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
i believe in u and ur pee
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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