There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
