Your face is a jimmy john
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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