ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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