I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
there was a trapeze. enough said
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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