you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
