I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
