Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
