i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
