what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
