Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
time to smoke my breakfast
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
