I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
