my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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