I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
