"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
